Saturday, March 29, 2003

Where Would I Be Without My Readers?

Here's an email I received today through my website...

Subj: Column Topic Suggestion
Date: 3/29/2003 4:12:44 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: IHateStupidCrackers@hotmail.com
To: DavidFJ@aol.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MESSAGE SENT THROUGH YOUR WEBSITE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

userid = DaveGNR
name = Al Sharpton
replyemail = IHateStupidCrackers@hotmail.com
Comments = I think you should write about how white people suck.

• posted by Dave at 6:49 PM
•

Oops

Today I was on a Chemistry floor at Duquesne. Walking through the halls to find a computer room I noticed this huge pile of garbage spilled into the hallway, with this white substance sitting on the floor. After walking through it I noticed a sign that said "DANGER Chemical Spill."

There is a good chance I will soon self-destruct. If that happens, miss me.

• posted by Dave at 7:33 PM
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NCAA Update

If you're wondering what you want to happen in the Tournament tonight, here's your answer:

Goooooooo! Pittsburgh, Kentucky, Arizona, & Duke.

Don't Go! Wisconsin, Marquette, Notre Dame, & Kansas.

Updates on my illegal gambling to follow.

• posted by Dave at 7:16 PM
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Today

- My lunch of a gyro, fries, and a fruit cup cost me $9.00.

- My 10 minute drive home from school took me 49 minutes which was really super.

- A policeman delayed my progress getting home when he directed traffic - directly into a line of cars and thus, blocked the entire intersection.

But, in the words of Ice Cube, "Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. I got to say it was a good day."

• posted by Dave at 4:59 PM
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Hug This

I walked by a TV a little bit ago and saw Bush giving a live speech. I stopped to watch and soon after a girl approached me asking, "Hey, what is he addressing?"

I replied, "I'm not sure, I just got here, it seems like a pep rally."

She then said, "Oh, I was hoping it was a surrender."

You know, so Saddam could drop chemical weapons on us and we would die. Plus, if we surrender we wouldn't have to deal with the burden of having this whole "freedom" thing.

Stupid Tree-Hugger.

• posted by Dave at 11:02 AM
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More On TV Ratings

According to the previously mentioned article:

Here's a rundown of the 10 most-watched shows for the week ended Sunday, according to Nielsen Media Research: 1. 75th Annual Academy Awards, ABC, 33 million, 2. American Idol (Tuesday), Fox, 21.1 million, 3. Oscar Countdown 2003, ABC, 19.5 million, 4. American Idol (Wednesday), Fox, 17.2 million, 5. Survivor: Amazon, CBS, 16.4 million, 6. Friends, NBC, 14.9 million, 7. Fear Factor, NBC, 14.7 million, 8. Scrubs, NBC, 14.2 million, 9. Judging Amy, CBS, 14.167 million, 10. JAG, CBS, 14 million.

"[Fox News] is outdrawing the veteran, 4 million viewers to 3.6 million through Monday, according to Nielsen Media Research."

Even if you combine Fox News and CNN ratings on WAR COVERAGE they still wouldn't crack the top 10. Obviously shows such as Survivor: Amazon is far more important.

At least America has its priorities straight.

• posted by Dave at 9:26 AM
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This War Needs To End

O No! This is getting serious. TV Ratings are suffering! Something must be done.

• posted by Dave at 9:21 AM
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Listen here, BOY

Today at the gym a father and his 8-10 year old son were having themselves a workout. I heard the kid say to the Dad, in mid- workout, "I want to go next door to Subway and get a bag of chips."

I walked away from the scene but I suspect the Dad responded with, "SON, LOOK HERE! You want to LIFT, then chug a PROTEIN SHAKE! Understand!?"

• posted by Dave at 7:30 PM
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Bon Jovi Notes

Here are some tidbits on last nights show:

- The guy behind me at the Chinese restaurant I ate at in downtown Pittsburgh made a big deal to a waitress about having bottled water to drink and not tap water. This major difference has allowed him to be only a few hundred pounds over weight.

- While walking to Mellon Arena I heard a man say, "Yo, he got his windows tinted n' everythang but no rims!"

- The Goo Goo Dolls were the opening band. The scream, not sing, but they still attract the lady folk, which is respectable.

- The crowd was filled with your basic groups of single, good looking, slutty girls and groups of girls who were once good looking, slutty girls but remain single. For the latter group, this was their 300th Bon Jovi concert.

- Bon Jovi put on a great show, playing all the big songs, leaving Bad Medicine, a song I mentioned in a previous update till last (these bands always love for me to sweat it out.)

- Everyone was on their feet the entire show and I lost my voice, which is two very important things that need to happen for a show to be great. Without a doubt, this show was better than the New Kids On The Block concert I was dragged to in my younger days and slept through.

• posted by Dave at 2:13 PM
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Your Love Is Like Bad Medicine

Bad medicine is what I need. Therefore, I'll be attending the Bon Jovi concert tonight in Pittsburgh, PA. Expect details later, unless nothing humorous happens in which case I will never speak of this matter again.

• posted by Dave at 4:58 PM
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Fort Pitt Project Update

My normal 10 minute commute to Duquesne this morning was lengthened 35-45 minutes. This was a super way to start off a Monday. After experiencing some problems with detours and mysterious blocks in the middle of the road that would not allow me to utilize said detours, I'm quite certain that when I finally reached Duquesne I drove on every road contained in this map.

• posted by Dave at 11:21 AM
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Oscar/Moron Update

Michael Moore just won an award regarding a documentary he created. He accepted the award and said how we live in fictitious times, where a President can win a fictitious vote, we goto war over fictitious reasons, blah, blah, blah. He said how when the Pope is against you, "it means your time is up Bush." Everyone strongly boo'd.

If Saddam uses his weapons of mass destruction on us, I hope its only on Mr. Moore and his Oscar. Then, he'll see just how fictitious this War is.

• posted by Dave at 10:25 PM
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...And It Thanks You

With not much else on television tonight, besides the whole 24-hour news coverage of that War thing on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, etc. ABC is broadcasting the Oscars. I knew the awards show would be filled with Hollywood types giving acceptance speeches that contained their really deep personally feelings on War (while wondering if they look okay and are looking into the correct camera).

However, the quote of the evening will goto Christopher Cooper. Christopher accepted his award and thanked "the womb that bore him."

I think a "Hi Mom!" would have sufficed.

• posted by Dave at 10:10 PM
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Note

If you haven't watched more than 15 minutes of War coverage - you are by no means an expert. Staying out of War conversations would be in your best interest.

• posted by Dave at 2:25 AM
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ALRIGHT! NOW THEY'VE DONE IT!

My life the past couple of days has been filled with great anxiety. I constantly flip around to all the major news channels watching the latest war developments and have other major concerns such as, am I going to win any money from illegally gambling on the NCAA Basketball Tournament?

This stress has finally caused error in my work. For example, yesterday I was interviewing a counselor for an upcoming news article I'm working on. When reviewing the recording I noticed that I asked, "Do you think most problems people have are genital (not genetic)?"

Surprisingly, the doctor didn't ask me when I want to schedule my first appointment.

• posted by Dave at 9:56 PM
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"Carol Laverne wore a pair of angel's wings and carried a sign saying 'Thou shall not kill.'"

Carol Laverne joins the 100,000+ people that want the troops to come home. The same 100,000+ people that would rather take their chances and hope Saddam doesn't use his weapons of mass destruction on us.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I support our troops and the safety of our nation. Should I be wearing devil horns?

• posted by Dave at 3:16 PM
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Don't Take Make Love Not War Too Far

At a red light tonight I looked at the car to my left. I noticed two teenage Abercrombie & Fitch looking dorks, with fancy hair, who I would normally stereotype as dorky homosexuals (not that all homosexuals are dorky). It appeared they were flirting with each other and I thought, "Hmmmmmmmmm." They then began kissing each other on the lips.

I was never more happy to see a light turn green.

• posted by Dave at 12:43 AM
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Men In Yellow?

There is an explanation as to why he is being a woman about going to the Oscars. See, he had a traumatic experience as a teenager. One day a couple of guys who were up to no good, started makin' trouble in his neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared, And said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in bel Air."

Sadly, he has never recovered.

• posted by Dave at 7:00 PM
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O Canada Is Right

I think these Canadians forgot that one of our bombs could accidentally hit them right in their Eh.

• posted by Dave at 11:38 AM
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BREAKING NEWS!

As Marines fight for our freedom, nerds REJOICE!

• posted by Dave at 11:14 AM
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Don't Brag About Reading Away Messages To Anymore Major Newspapers

It's articles like this from the New York Times (a somewhat popular newspaper) that makes me ashamed to be a college student.

• posted by Dave at 12:17 AM
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Marching Into Jail

I'm sure once Saddam finds out about this protest he will get out his white flag and say, "Oh my gosh, what have I been thinking? These people have a point! STOP THE WAR! STOP THE WAR!"

• posted by Dave at 11:47 PM
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The Great Poet Of Our Time

In these trying times the youth of America looks at a deeper meaning to War. Based on the fact that four people, just last night, made the "Bombs Over Baghdad!" song reference to me, it appears they have found that deeper meaning and their voice - his name is Outkast - and he is a Gangsta' rapper.

• posted by Dave at 2:45 PM
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War Coverage

Both CBS and NBC have broken to the war possibly starting. ABC, a step above both networks, is airing far more important information - The Bachelor: Where Are They Now?

• posted by Dave at 9:42 PM
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The Price Is Wrong, Bobby

I walked through one of Duquesne University's biggest lobbies today, which has a television. On the brink of war and in an age where there are many 24-hour news channels, 20-30 students of higher education sat around intently watching - The Price Is Right.

• posted by Dave at 9:14 PM
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The Secret To Weight Loss!

Is this, the answer we have all been looking for Junk Mail or is some chick named Mary trying to tell me something?

Subj: The Models Secret
Date: 3/19/2003 11:03:41 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: Wallacexv@money.com
To: davidfj@aol.com

Hello.

Apple cider weight loss
The Models Secret

click here: http://www.bluespringwater.com/appch

Best wishes
Mary

• posted by Dave at 11:32 AM
•

Helpful Dialogue

I was watching Caddyshack yesterday and feel that, in these tough times, this is sound advice we all should live by:

"Danny, do you take drugs?"
"Everyday."
"Gooooooooooood."

• posted by Dave at 11:25 AM
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Most Annoying Part Of War

I just realized that if war starts tomorrow night, everyone will become dramatic and put real patriotic messages in their profiles/away messages (you know, because all the troops will be able to read them). While the intention is nice, profiles will be changed by the weekend to, "Out getting my drink on!!! I'm gonna get me some tonight dawgs!!!!!"

I also just realized that the time I spent posting this at the library will in no way help me pass my Spanish test tomorrow.

• posted by Dave at 11:16 PM
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All Is Well With The World, Except For That Whole War Thing

Someone should have Saddam read this. It'll give him a new reason to make peace and prevent the war. That is, if he wants to be alive to watch the next season.

• posted by Dave at 11:12 PM
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Love Is In The Air

Today I overheard a girl on campus explain to this guy how nice it is outside and that she wants to enjoy the weather. Your typical small talk. Anywho, the guy she ran into proceeded to use Mother Nature as a way to make the moves and said, "We should get together sometime and sit outside." He then smoothly took a chance and asked for her, SCREEN NAME. What a rebel.

His name will soon be blocked from that girl's Buddy List.

• posted by Dave at 3:32 PM
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Season Change

Here in Pittsburgh, this winter lasted a couple of years but the weather has miraculously changed. Moods are uplifted, girls are back wearing their clubbin' gear to school instead of sweatpants, and you can put your window down to blast 50 Cent out of your car without freezing.

• posted by Dave at 11:03 AM
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The Youth Of America Is All Gravy, Baby

PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- The faltering economy, rising gasoline prices and a looming war appear to have done little to stem the annual spring break migration by thousands of college students intent on partying.

At St. Patrick's Day Festivites this weekend I was kind of surprised no guy or girl came up to me and said, "Hey! What's your name? Even though our economy is faltering and war is looming, this is a great party!"

For those of you who have let the world's problems spoil a good time, take this deep advice:

Rachael Tombolesi, 19, a sophomore at Santa Fe Community College in Gainesville, said she has several friends in the military who have been sent to Kuwait.

"They just say `If I can't have fun, you can have fun, it's all gravy, baby,'" she said.

To read the full NY Post article, click here.

• posted by Dave at 3:33 PM
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Blog Status

Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I was busy with studying for tests and then failing said tests. That can be very time consuming.

However, a new column is now online.

• posted by Dave at 1:30 AM
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We Can Sleep Easy Tonight

Whew! Now that the woman's movement solved this problem, they can move on to less important problems such as world hunger.

• posted by Dave at 3:57 PM
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Ya'll!

The other night a guy said "ya'll" to me 3 times in 1 sentence. He justified himself by saying, "You spend one day in the South..."

Lesson: The South will never rise again.

• posted by Dave at 2:52 PM
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Education Update

My journey down the road of higher education lead me to the library this afternoon...where I slept for 15 minutes.

• posted by Dave at 11:56 AM
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A Great Day To Be An American

Today will go down as one of the great days in American history. With the dark cloud, known as Iraq hanging over our heads, Congress has let France and the rest of the world know that we are no small fry.

• posted by Dave at 2:52 PM
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Deadlines?

Why is it that in college there is basically no excuse for missing a deadline, whether it be a paper or showing up for a test? There better be a written doctor's excuse or a death in the family, and sometimes those won't even help you.

However, when it comes to having devices of mass destruction, that's different - and is deserving of an extension.

• posted by Dave at 8:28 PM
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Visiting At Hospitals

I re-visted a friend at the Hospital today. She is in great spirits and looks to be doing fine, but the doctors still say she's not OK. This doesn't sit well with me.

As a visitor, who drove through downtown traffic and spent $4 to park, I expect the person I see to be SICK. None of this laughing, sitting up, etc., nonsense. I want to hear the beeps and sounds of hospital machines, nurses telling me to prepare for what I'm about to see, tears, and the least she could do is lie motionless. All of this would justify the cost of the parking and gas.

I already mentioned this to my friend, but if you're in good spirits at the hospital and people visit you, make sure to at least act like your at death's door - it'll give the visitor more bang for their buck.

• posted by Dave at 8:13 PM
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Screen Actors Guild Awards

Don't you love during these award shows when some actor/actress who isn't all that great gets nominated for an award, and they focus in on them during the award presentation? First, they air a clip of some bland, dramatic scene to showcase the actor/actress. Then, the camera switches to the person at their table after the scene is over, with a look of, "Wow, my acting was so deep and profound in that scene...I HOPE THE TELEVISION CAMERA IS ON ME!"

At least Mr. and Mrs. Soprano won.

• posted by Dave at 11:14 PM
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Fear of Needles?

Watching an old episode of The Sopranos tonight from Season 3 when Christopher became a made man, I wondered something.

To become a made man, there is a ceremony when the guy gets pricked in the finger with a needle to draw blood. What if a guy did years of paying his dues, killing others to get the Boss his money, but he had a fear of needles and didn't want to be pricked?

If you are about to become a made man but suffer from Belonephobia, click here.

God Speed.

• posted by Dave at 9:23 PM
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Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my Mom's Birthday and I just realized that she spent it with her husband, son, and her son's fraternity president.

She must be proud.

• posted by Dave at 12:00 AM
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Confirmed

I now have it confirmed that Billy Joel and Elton John aren't too shabby when it comes to performing.

That was one, great concert. Considering that they played 30 or more songs, including a Beatles cover, I'd have to say that was the best show I've ever attended. This one even topped the Guns N' Roses show because solo Billy, solo Elton, and then the two face-to-face, made it 3 shows in 1.

One moment that sticks out was when I noticed two brothers and a sister just rocking out to "Only The Good Die Young." They didn't have a care or worry in the world, they were just at peace with the music, and with each other. I think that's a mentality we all need to strive for.

So go listen to Billy Joel or better yet, read one of my old columns!

• posted by Dave at 11:58 PM
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Billy Joel and Elton John

Tonight I'm going to see two young upstarts who go by the names of Billy Joel and Elton John.

Expect an update later tonight on whether or not they were able to carry a tune.

• posted by Dave at 4:23 PM
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Attention?

Yesterday at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh I couldn't help but wonder, in this stressful world of insecure and low self-esteem youngsters, "How many of these kids are faking their illness for attention?"

• posted by Dave at 4:23 PM
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Are You Down With It?

If you're ever in the Ghetto or if you're a white male trying to act like your favorite rap star, reader Big T from Chicago points out that saying "Raw As Hell" proves that you are hip to the lingo.

• posted by Dave at 6:26 PM
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The Parking Garage

I parked at a parking garage today but was forced to valet park. The valet parker told me to keep the keys in the car and asked how much gas was in the tank. When I informed him the tank was pretty full, he grinned and said "GREAT!"

Lesson learned: The parking garage business is a shady business.

• posted by Dave at 5:25 PM
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Ashes Update

When I was little a dog named Ashes bit me.

Happy Ash Wednesday.

• posted by Dave at 8:58 PM
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Spam Blocked Brings Good News and Bad News

From the AOL homepage...

Dear Member:

We recently announced that AOL blocked 1 billion spam e-mails in a day. We're doing this because you told us how much you hate spam, and we couldn't have done this if you weren't helping us by continuing to use the "Report Spam" button....

Spam being blocked is a good thing, but think about all the people of the world who will no longer be offered penis/breast enlargement supplements, viagra, porn, and the all-important septic tanks.

• posted by Dave at 8:53 PM
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How Not To Cure A Bad Cough

If you are around someone with a very bad cough, saying, "Can't you do something about that?" isn't the best idea.

• posted by Dave at 5:58 PM
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Court Rules For Sex Shop

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled against lingerie seller Victoria's Secret on Tuesday, finding no proof that a small sex-toy and lingerie shop that wanted to call itself Victor's Secret harmed the big company's trademark.

I agree with this verdict. If you're going to buy sex toys, it seems like buying them from a creepy guy named Victor would be in your best interest.

To read the rest of this USA Today article, click here.

• posted by Dave at 3:20 PM
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South Bend to Pittsburgh or Columns Write Themselves, Part 3

If you're worried about the status of this country heading into war, worry no more. This is a united nation. For example, during my travels last night the taxi driver called me "buddy," a man in line for food called me a "hey dude," and a man I stepped out of the way for said, "thanks bro."

• posted by Dave at 6:51 PM
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South Bend to Pittsburgh or Columns Write Themselves, Part 2

Readers of my column might wonder if I sat next to anyone on the airplane as strange as the man who sketched a picture of my friend Lynn for entertainment purposes in the bathroom. Well, I'm happy to inform you that the passanger I sat next to on the plane was completely normal - except for the fact that his right arm had only four fingers, which some people might find peculiar.

• posted by Dave at 2:51 PM
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South Bend to Pittsburgh or Columns Write Themselves, Part 1

I took a taxi to South Bend airport earlier tonight. Two guys in their early twenties picked me up. Upon enterting the car I noticed that the driver wore a hat, which said "Freak" on it, and had a heart tattoo'd on his hand. I immediately knew I was in good hands. During the drive a man came over the receiver and said "the handicap guy is just blind, so we can pick him up because he won't bite." To the common person, you might find that unusual. However, since I had the opportunity to watch the driver and his friend play CHESS while they transported me to the airport, I didn't find the comment all that unusual. Chess is a very important game, so when the driver would have his head down for an extended period of time looking at the board and we would veer off the road, I kept my mouth shut so he could concentrate.

More details to come...

• posted by Dave at 1:00 AM
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The Next Big Thing

If I ever held an American Idol contest Andy Milonakis would be the winner.

• posted by Dave at 2:08 PM
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A Neighbor To Royality

In the room down the hall, it reads on a girl's door, "The Princess." Details are sketchy as to which Kingdom she reigns Princess of.

• posted by Dave at 8:28 PM
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South Bend Update

Last night at the Basilica Mass people wore bandanas, outrageous sideburns, and a Eucharistic minister, giving out the blood of Christ - Son of God - deemed it appropriate to wear jeans.

• posted by Dave at 1:55 PM
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I just took a shower in an all girl's dorm. God Bless America.

• posted by Dave at 2:56 PM
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On the airplane, since I didn't use the oxygen mask feature, I feel like I didn't get my full money's worth.

• posted by Dave at 1:35 AM
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