Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Score

Today I'll be wearing an Elvis t-shirt I had made at an Elvis convention.

The ladies will be quite forthcoming.

• posted by Dave at 11:42 AM
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That's My Dawg

Nobody got shot. Word!

Who is taking me to the next concert?

• posted by Dave at 3:08 AM
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A Proud Day To Be A Columnist

Last year I wrote an article for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review that was published on page A7. That made me proud. But the following news story makes me even prouder:

Making the media rounds today is a story involving a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review columnist "who used ethnic slurs and threatened to use her professional position to destroy the career of an officer who arrested her for DUI."

"Police quoted her as saying, 'Your [expletive] is mine. I work for the paper.' Then she allegedly hiked her skirt and exposed herself."

If I continue writing, hopefully I too, will someday allegedly hike my skirt and expose myself.

To read the whole article, click here.

• posted by Dave at 5:17 PM
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Final Selling Books Back Update

I always said my Big Bang Theory & Beyond books were worthless and today I was proven right. Both books came to a total of $0.00.

Bringing my overall profit for selling all of my books back this semester to $15.75.

• posted by Dave at 4:44 PM
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What Do I Have In Common With Van Gogh & Picasso?

Both their works and copies of Sophomoric Humor can be found behind public toilets.

• posted by Dave at 1:51 AM
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Your Future

If you fail your finals, this will be you.

Thanks to Andy, who I made famous this year by mentioning in this column.

• posted by Dave at 10:07 PM
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Selling Books Back Update

Out of 4 classes I have gotten back $15.75. It all came from my favorite book ever, The Norton Anthology, 2,963 pages. When you enter Heaven, they give you a copy of the Bible and maybe "Introducing Yourself To Saints For Dummies." When you enter Hell they give you The Norton Anthology.

• posted by Dave at 9:27 PM
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Eye-Opener

It's nights like this, knowing 50 Cent is in town and I'm spending it studying and updating this Blog, which makes me question what I am doing with my life.

• posted by Dave at 9:03 PM
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Something Finals Won't Teach You

This is real world knowledge that none of your teachers will point out to you. The key to making great money, especially if you're a lawyer, is to overcharge. It works.

• posted by Dave at 8:59 PM
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Bee vs. Human Update

Not one, but TWO bees are trapped inside a light fixture. A very powerful death spray was used.

One bee is dead. The other put up a better fight but has now assumed the fetal position.

Enough death spray was used in the encounter that I am now high off of the fumes.

• posted by Dave at 8:54 PM
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Risking My Life

A bee was spotted in my work area moments ago. I went to take it's life, but can't find it. At any moment the ultimate battle of human vs. bee could ensue or I might get stung and you'll never hear from me again.

Tell the world my story.

• posted by Dave at 8:35 PM
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Monday Finals Update # 2

"I hope I don't have to take that class over," was the phrase of the day for today's finals.

For my Spanish final, one kid said out loud, mid-test, that he was going to fail. Another girl, stayed after class asking the teacher to not give her a failing grade. The teacher comforted her, by telling her to take the class over again in the summer.

For my British Literature II final, the profesor walked in wearing a suit and explained with a huge smile on his face, "I wrote up a brilliant test, I wish I could take it myself!"

• posted by Dave at 8:32 PM
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Monday Finals Update #1

Over the past few days I have seen Finals turn people crazy. It makes people flip out, get too caught up in their life, and to be put in a bad mood. This should be the time when college students are enjoying every last minute of the year having good times before their friends go back home.

School work and teachers rob us of this. Those bastards.

I know everyone has a full plate now, but you might be able to seek comfort in the fact that you're not me.

It's almost 3:30 in the morning now. I have lots more to study, I'll have to get up in a few hours to study more before my tests.

Let me put it this way, if failing finals builds character, by the end of tomorrow I'll have more character than I'll know what to do with.

If anyone else is rather certain they won't be getting A's anytime soon, feel free to e-mail me a note, with your name, and I'll post it here on the Blog. If nothing gets sent it, that means that all of my regular readers are too busy studying. It also means that my regular readers are huge losers.

• posted by Dave at 3:26 AM
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Junk Mail Strikes Again

For my British Literature II class, my teachers name is Wallace Watson. So, when I saw an e-mail in my box today from watson@ans.netaol.com, with the subject: I know this is a good deal! I was quite excited, thinking he was sending us some type of hint, extra credit offer, or direction in studying for tomorrows final. This would have made my life easier and would have been a "good deal" but this was not the right Watson. This Watson's idea of a good deal was this:

Subj: I know this is a good deal!
Date: 3/25/2003 10:36:36 PM Eastern Standard Time
From:
To: DavidFJ@aol.com

zw81x81lrdttylsg3ze8rn

03vyk8yjjjt23
m4u4ez1hjw3u0

While jumbled letters are a good deal, this was not what I was looking for. Like having to study for finals, junk mail must be stopped.

• posted by Dave at 10:27 PM
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Finals In Full Swing

I have Spanish and British Literature II finals tomorrow. You are probably in a similar situation.

Coincidentally, I'm on my way to church now, not just because I'm a good Catholic boy, but because it'll take a form of divine intervention for me to pass either final.

Amen.

• posted by Dave at 8:17 PM
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Yesterday

Yesterday was a big Saturday filled with me going to the bar at 1:00, then going, by myself, to an Elvis convention, and then throwing my first surprise party.

Details to follow. I would give them now but I'm too busy pretending that, at any moment, I'm about to start studying for two finals I have tomorrow.

• posted by Dave at 4:09 PM
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Selling Back Books

My Mass Communications book was sold back today for a whopping $0.00.

Duquesne isn't buying the book back. I guess they realized, what I have known all semester, reading the book is a big waste of time.

• posted by Dave at 10:40 AM
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First Finals Test Over

I had a final at 8:45 this morning. This early start time allowed me to have hardly any time to study before the test and make up for severe procrastination. Also, considering I usually get about 6 hours of sleep on days I have class at 10, the 8:45 start time didn't help matters.

I was motivated throughout the test by the writing on the chair in front of me, which read, "G Thang."

• posted by Dave at 9:40 AM
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WWW. F-U-N!

For those who thought the Internet was only good for Porn, clearly it can be used for so much more. Such as producing this heartfelt masterpiece of video.

Thanks to Andy for sending this in.

• posted by Dave at 10:21 PM
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Sophomoric Humor Update

For those who only read my Blog and don't check out the rest of the website, my final column of the year is now online. To read the column, click here. I also have a poll up asking what was the best Sophomoric Humor column of the year.

Note: Columns tend to be funnier while drinking or enjoying some type of illegal narcotic.

• posted by Dave at 7:29 PM
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Drinking While Driving Legal?

It is in Montana. My advice if you're drinking and driving is to drive faster, so you get home quicker and are less of a hazard.

• posted by Dave at 7:26 PM
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Note To Younger Readers

Don't be like this boy and hurt yourself by imitating Jackass.

Spend your time doing some good in the world, such as, searching for professors that are trapped during Easter under a pile of books.

• posted by Dave at 11:03 AM
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"I Got It!"

This outfielder should have caught it.

• posted by Dave at 10:57 AM
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Final Spanish Oral Test Update

A student in my class talked about his guitar, using the Spanish language mind you, for about 10 minutes. He then played a stirring rendition of "La Bamba" which almost brought my teacher to tears and made everyone else's speech look horrible.

On the bright side, this was a very positive experience for me as at no point during the process did I lose control of my bowel movements.

• posted by Dave at 7:56 PM
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Spanish Oral Test Update

I have to prepare a 5 minute oral speech to give to my class at 4 pm today. Here is what I have so far:

Mi nombre es David.

This will be followed by 4:57 of dead slience and perhaps a cough or two.

• posted by Dave at 11:19 AM
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Those Guys...

What will those silly marines do next?

• posted by Dave at 11:07 AM
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I Thought Finals Were Going To Be Stressful

Boy was I wrong! Duquesne sent out this helpful list that will surely make the next two weeks fly by with ease:

The life of a college student during finals:
1. Study
2. Eat

The email also included this exciting news:

To help with the first, join us for StudyBreak this Friday from 9:00 to midnight in Towers Dining Hall. Lots of food and prizes, free massages, and new this semester ­KARAOKE!

I wish it was finals all year long!

• posted by Dave at 11:04 AM
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Back In The Saddle Again

Easter break is over and it is now time to stop celebrating that Jesus Christ, Son of God, has died for us, granting us eternal salvation, to focus on much more important matters such as finals.

It's tough to find anything positive about the next few weeks. If you are like me, you might have spent the most of your Monday getting work done for Tuesday or preparing for what is ahead.

Today I found myself writing sentences ALL DAY such as, "While 'La Belle Dame Sans Merci' is a dramatic story that expands beyond the realm of reality, the message of the work parallels Keats' life." Being able to write that sentence in no way prepares me for the real world or makes me better educated. Don't be fooled, just about everything we cram inside our heads over the next few weeks will do nothing for us. The real key is to stay sane and to not get addicted to pills and begin singing "I'm so excited" like Jessica Spano on Saved By The Bell. And, if you're like me and don't see too many A's in your future, the "I GOT MY CREDITS!" line is always safe.

I have a Spanish Oral test at 4pm today, which should be very interesting. I'll have details on just how horrible of an experience it turned out to be later in the day.

• posted by Dave at 3:02 AM
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Son Of A...

Why am I wasting my time at Duquesne when I could be either trying out for or supporting Bucknell volleyball!

It's a good thing I stalk my friend Joe via away messages or this website would not have come to my attention.

• posted by Dave at 12:40 PM
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Giving Back

Yesterday, along with the rest of the Gamma Phi fraternity, I handed out Easter baskets to black children in the Hill District section of Pittsburgh. While the experience was rewarding, my favorite part of the day was seeing a man sell stolen Playstation 2 games, 3 for $100, bootleg DVDs, and bootleg CDs.

And to top it off, across from the corner was a lightpost that was decorated with a 50 CENT poster. Word!

• posted by Dave at 5:00 PM
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HA-HA-HA!

Have a GOOD FRIDAY.

• posted by Dave at 4:55 PM
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Doing More Than Dancing In The Streets

This quote says it all..

Council members weren't endorsing adultery but they took some pleasure in commenting about the ordinance. "So this is a pro-adultery thing?" Councilman James Black joked before the meeting. "Good for us!"

Community makes adultery legal

• posted by Dave at 1:36 PM
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One Apple That Didn't Fall Far From The Tree

My column two weeks ago detailed my list of freaky injuries. Well my Dad topped me yesterday when, and I'm not making this up, he woke up with a black eye.

• posted by Dave at 2:21 PM
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Feet

Now that this was taken care of, it's time to focus on people who wear socks and sandles.

• posted by Dave at 2:17 PM
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Finally, A Reason To Move To Manitoba

Potent liqueur now available.

• posted by Dave at 2:15 PM
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Tax Time

Considering today is April 15, isn't it a little late to be sending this junk mail out?

Subj: Need Your Taxes Prepared?
Date: 4/15/2003 12:46:44 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: Sherryslm
Bcc: DavidFJ

*** Tax Savings ****

Don't pay more than you should!

Receive a FREE Consultation with a CPA/Accountant right in your area!

You will be contacted by a Certified Public Accountant
in your area within 1-3 business days. The initial
consultation will be FREE!

• posted by Dave at 2:11 PM
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Community Service

Over the weekend, to go along with our Anger Management class that we had to take (which I mentioned in an eariler post), my fraternity took part in some community service. Being split up into groups by Duquesne University, they asked for 5 of us to do some "gardening." This seemed like a great way to give back to the community but also, an easy job where I could get away with doing minimal work. I must have somehow missed the scene in Animal House when Belushi was doing community service.

So, the 5 of us went to Little Sisters of the Poor to begin our work. We met up with the head nun and she gave us a tour of their property which was 4-5 acres. She explained:

"You need to go everywhere in the grass, find any little twig and place it in one of these bags." At this point I realized gardening would not be on the agenda, but a re-enactment of Nazi Germany would.

For 3 hours we filled 5 garbage bags and 5-6 garbage cans with these tiny little twigs. However, when our time was up, even though we were all dead tired, we looked around feeling a great sense of accomplishment - until we looked down at the ground and realized that there were still thousands of twigs and our hard work was basically pointless.

At least we knew how to deal with our anger.

• posted by Dave at 11:34 AM
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Smooth Move

If you are a female who likes to goto the club, but once had someone drop their false teeth down your clevage, you are no longer alone!

• posted by Dave at 11:33 AM
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"Give Me Something To Take The Pain Away!"
"Here, snort this!"

The next time you're in an ambulance, it might not be all that bad.

• posted by Dave at 11:30 AM
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You Can't Be Him, SO STOP TRYING

Now that the Iraq situation is under control, let's see what group is next on the agenda.

• posted by Dave at 11:23 AM
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Looking For Ghetto Ho Action?

There is a website that features, "The Goddamn Rock Solid Ghetto Shiznit Name Generator." According the website, this is a very powerful device.

"See, through our years of research, we've developed a way to take your (currently humdrum, boring, middle class nerd) name and turn it into something special. We'll make you be somebody, yo."

I tried it out and my goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Fellatio Juice.

What's yours?

• posted by Dave at 8:03 PM
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Meow

This would really be a horrible sentence - if you were a cat.

• posted by Dave at 11:44 AM
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Go Fish

Playing with these cards would be a dead hand everytime.

• posted by Dave at 11:42 AM
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Fall Schedule

Later today I will schedule my classes for the fall semester. The past four semesters I always walked into the meeting with my advisor without a clue as to what classes I should take. This has been a bad idea, as last time when I needed one more class, I asked my helpful advisor, to helpfully advise me in what class I should pick to fill time:

She picked British Literature II. She apparently felt that by "fill time" I meant, every bit of free time I possibly have. When your text is the Norton Anthology of English Literature (a 2,963-page book that prides itself on making the Bible look second-rate), which I explained in this weeks column, you tend to not do the readings but use the book for other purposes - such as using it to hit your advisor.

• posted by Dave at 11:24 AM
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Pull The Trigger

A girl explained in my one class today, to roughly 50-60 people, how back when Baywatch was popular she wanted nothing more than to get breast implants.

If only I would have been sitting next to her, I could have done my journalistic duties and asked, "Well, the show still airs in re-runs. What are you waiting for?"

• posted by Dave at 11:16 AM
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Thank You, Thank You

Today I clocked in at 11 minutes late for my first class. This is a new college record for me. However, this does not compare to one of my FRAT BROS, who, as legend has it, once showed up with 5 minutes remaining in class.

I'd like to thank all the red lights for taking their time to turn green, the small child I hit in a pedestrian crosswalk, and the state of Pennsylvania for putting up all those speed signs, which told me, "this is how fast people should be driving. But since you're going to be late, you obviously must drive much faster."

• posted by Dave at 11:13 AM
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Full House Update

I woke up to Full House this morning. On the show, Stephanie Judith Taner was using her skills of manipulation to get her way with young Michelle.

In doing this she formed the pseudo Big Girls Club, which has the official song of...

I'm a big girl
Your a big girl
Yadda Yadda Yadda Yadda Ya

I like this club and what it stands for.

• posted by Dave at 9:33 AM
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Forgot To Mention...

My Fraternity got into some trouble months ago. Because of this we had to take an anger management class Tuesday. We're learning how to deal with anger in a healthy way. Also, our teacher made us brownies. This helped with our anger.

You are my friend.

• posted by Dave at 12:18 AM
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University Under Investigation After Hiring Strippers

This story for many college males would raise the questions:

What University is this and how soon can I transfer there?

• posted by Dave at 2:18 PM
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Here Comes The Bride, Her Husband Has A Mullet

Call me crazy, but I have a feeling they'll end up living in a trailer park.

• posted by Dave at 2:07 PM
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Theater

Last night I saw Guys & Dolls at Duquesne. It made me realize how in my everyday life, I don't break into song and dance enough to express my emotions.

• posted by Dave at 1:57 PM
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$$$$$$$$$

Maybe the girl from an earlier post who cut of her husband's penis and flushed it down the toilet, should have auctioned it off to sell as advertising space to carry a company logo for five years.

Much like this man did with the back of his head.

• posted by Dave at 11:39 AM
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Question To Tree Huggers

If you were a big protestor against the war and didn't support our troops, how worthless does your entire life seem after seeing something like this picture?

• posted by Dave at 11:35 AM
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Note To Male Readers

Even if they are quite forthcoming, for the time being, stay away from Taiwanese women.

• posted by Dave at 11:31 AM
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I'd Like To See Someone Try That With The Statue Of Liberty

I think he's upset because he's the good guy but never got a statue.

• posted by Dave at 11:25 AM
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A Free Man!

Darryl Strawberry was released from prison today after violating probation on cocaine possession charges. If anyone sees Darryl, offer to celebrate with him. You tell him to bring the White China and you'll bring the razor and mirror.

• posted by Dave at 10:35 PM
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Celebrate

I'm at the library and saw signs that it's National Library Week!!!!!

And me without my party hat. : (

• posted by Dave at 10:25 PM
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The Best Birthday Gift A Guy Could Want

Wow! That making a wish while blowing out candles really DOES work.

• posted by Dave at 2:35 AM
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Twenty

Twenty years ago today when I was born, I'm pretty sure I thought to myself:

"I sure hope twenty years from now it's a rainy day, I have a mass communications and spanish test, a column to write, and I get to write a paper on John Keat's La Belle Dame Sans Merci."

Greatest birthday ever!

• posted by Dave at 11:01 AM
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Thank You Mother And Father

If my parents didn't name me David, I think their next choice was going to be Chemical Ali. But, I'm pretty sure naming me Ali Hassan al-Majid was never in the running.

• posted by Dave at 10:58 AM
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Yee-Haw!

This here star, sure knows how to throw himself a weddin'.

• posted by Dave at 10:51 AM
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Big Time Stuff

When you're praying for our troops, make sure to ask that no one gets seriously injuried in this battle, where "Battle lines clearly are being drawn..."

• posted by Dave at 10:48 AM
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Birthday Suggestion

Tomorrow, Monday, is my BIRTHDAY! If you're still wondering what to buy me - wonder no more, click here.

• posted by Dave at 1:25 PM
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High School Girls

The other day I was in a parking lot and overheard one girl telling another girl, "Like, that is SO gay she got more votes than me!"

I wanted to go up to her and say, "She, like, totally shouldn't have gotten more votes than you. Like, OH MA GAWD!"

• posted by Dave at 1:22 PM
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Name Change

U.S. forces seized the Baghdad airport Friday in an all-night tank and infantry assault, securing a vital base for taking the battle into its likely next phase — thrusts into downtown Baghdad by special forces and other highly mobile units. Saddam International Airport was promptly renamed Baghdad International Airport by the U.S. military.

I think the U.S. could have come up with a much more creative and suitable name, such as, "I Live in Baghdad So I Want To Be On The Next Plane Out International Airport."

To read the entire article, click here.

• posted by Dave at 11:26 AM
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Give It Up MTV

MTV really, really wants to think of themselves as a credible news source. When they need to realize that they are a brand name that hasn't been cool in ten years.

But still, with all their crappy shows, the fact that their TRL show is fixed based on what the recording companies pay them, and the fact that they hardly ever play what brought them to the dance - music videos - they are hilarious.

Another example right now is on MTV.com. The last link in their news section plugs this:

"And stories on Ja Rule vs. Eminem, Usher, Pink, Queen Latifah, Jay-Z, and the latest on the war in Iraq..."

Well, once I get informed on the real issues of the day such as the Ja Rule vs. Eminem feud, I'll make sure to read up on that whole war nonsense.

• posted by Dave at 11:13 AM
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One Apple That Fell Far From The Tree

It's amazing that the same King who produced something great like "In The Ghetto," also produced her.

• posted by Dave at 11:06 AM
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Academic Walk Update

It is such a beautiful day outside and at Duquesne University that means everyone is out on Academic Walk. In my first ever column for the Duquesne Duke, I wrote this:

Recently, the serious issue of sexual harassment on our schools Academic Walk has made headlines in The Duke. It is sad that we live in a world where sexual harassment exists, but in fairness to honesty, I find myself asking, why am I not being looked upon as a piece of meat on the A-Walk?

Whether it be a gratuitous comment thrown my way or a young vixen checking me out, I am confident that this will be my year to get sexually harassed on A-Walk. With your help, this can be possible. Your support is welcomed: DavidFJ@aol.com.

• posted by Dave at 2:07 PM
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Tisk Tisk

Today at Duquesne there was a "Support The Troops" rally, which I am a full supporter of, even though people shouldn't need an event to realize that we should support our troops. Now that I think about it, I should organize a "Hurt The Tree-Huggers" rally and/or riot.

Anyway, at the rally a Fox 53 news reporter approached Duquesne student Timmy who reported to me, "He asked if I would talk on TV about how I'm against the war." The good moraled Timmy declined and rewarded himself by taking 6 cookies from the refreshment table.

Yay Timmy!

• posted by Dave at 10:13 PM
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Good News

Sorry I've been behind with the Blog lately. But I have great news for Pittsburgh area teens.

The other day on the radio I heard an advertisement that Jets, an under 21 nightclub, will be open EASTER SUNDAY!

What better way to celebrate the risen Lord than to spend an evening bumpin' and grindin'?????

• posted by Dave at 11:00 AM
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