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Monday, September 29, 2003
ANTOTHER REASON TO ALWAYS HAVE DUCT TAPE AND AN ALL-TERRAIN VECHILE HANDY
Or, maybe this is just another reason to stay away from Alaska.
• posted by Dave at 2:42 PM
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Friday, September 26, 2003
JUNIOR JOCULARITY ON ITS WAY TO BEING BANNED?
A reader of Junior Jocularity who attends school at Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania informed me that one of her friends was reading this week's column in one of her classes. While laughing-out-loud at something in the column (hopefully not my picture) her teacher confiscated the column.
With that said, keep in mind the book Ulysses by James Joyce was also once banned. The same book that was selected by the Modern Library as the best novel of the 20th century, and has received wide praise from other literature scholars, including those who have defended online censorship.
Hopefully more instances such as this one will happen, sparking controversy which will result in me winning a journalism prize.
Sadly, there's probably a better chance of a man getting arrested with snakes down his pants.
(Special thanks to Banned Books Online)
• posted by Dave at 5:57 PM
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ANOTHER SAD INSTANCE OF A MAN HIDING MARIJUANA IN HIS UNDERWEAR, GETTING SENTENCED, AND THEN, MOMENTS LATER, GETTING MARRIDE
You know, that old story.
• posted by Dave at 5:43 PM
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
88,000-TO-1 SHOT IN DATING A SUPERMODEL
So what your telling me is, I have a chance?
• posted by Dave at 11:57 AM
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN READING A REAL HUMOR COLUMNIST...
The best humor columnist, Dave Barry, has a new book out today, Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism from Dave Barry.
• posted by Dave at 4:41 PM
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EMMYS 2003
I wanted to point out that Curb Your Enthusiasm won for directing in a comedy series for the episode entitled "Krazee-Eyez Killa" (HBO).
This is the episode where Larry David asks his gangsta' rapper friend Krazee-Eyez, "Are you my caucasian?" If you have never seen the show on HBO, check it out.
Also, my favorite show, The Sopranos cleaned up:
Supporting actor in a drama series: Joe Pantoliano, The Sopranos (HBO)
Writing for a drama series: The Sopranos, "Whitecaps" (HBO)
Lead actor in a drama series: James Gandolfini, The Sopranos (HBO)
Lead actress in a drama series: Edie Falco, The Sopranos (HBO)
What this all basically means is, I want to be more like Tony Soprano.
• posted by Dave at 4:39 PM
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IF YOU LIVED IN A CAR, WHAT KIND OF PET WOULD YOU HAVE?
And you thought you had problems.
• posted by Dave at 4:31 PM
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I'LL TAKE ONE!
The only thing funnier than a man falling off of a ladder is when it happens on live TV and the product you're selling is a ladder.
• posted by Dave at 12:49 AM
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Monday, September 22, 2003
GLORY DAYS
Posts were light over the weekend because Friday night I was out celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day and then Saturday morning I left for Buffalo, NY to see Bruce Springsteen in concert.
In Buffalo, my sister, her boss, and I saw the Niagra Falls on the American side and then walked into Canada to see it from the other side. To get into Canada on foot you walk through a gate that says "To Canada" and you eventually go through an office where a professional asks intense security questions such as:
"What weapon are you carrying?"
What stood out about the show was, I was hours away from my house but being in the crowd I felt at home. A great band can do that, and Springsteen is one of the greatest.
• posted by Dave at 7:06 PM
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Friday, September 19, 2003
TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!
If you read Dave Barry or if you have half a brain you already know what today is, but....
This is your very friendly reminder that today is Talk Like A Pirate Day! If you know me, you know that I have been very excited about this day and have tried to tell many people about it all week.
I just took the Official Talk Like A Pirate Personality Inventory and ranked as: Th' Cabin Boy.
I don't know what that means, but I do know that today being the official Talk Like A Pirate Day makes me want to say "RRRRRRRRRR."
For more information: www.talklikeapirate.com.
• posted by Dave at 3:25 AM
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Thursday, September 18, 2003
CHILE HAS ISSUES
And they wonder why this happens here.
• posted by Dave at 11:38 AM
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PROBABLY NOT THE NEXT BIG BAND
Why couldn't NSYNC plan something like this?
• posted by Dave at 11:35 AM
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NEW RULE IN LA
GUYS: Here is another reason to not live in Los Angeles.
GIRLS: Here is another reason why I totally respect Los Angeles.
• posted by Dave at 2:12 AM
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
ANOTHER NAME THAT NEEDS ADDED TO THE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR BALLOT
Jesse Leonard Youngblood.
• posted by Dave at 2:42 PM
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS FREE TIME?
The women soccer league is finished!
• posted by Dave at 11:36 PM
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BUY BAD DRUGS LATELY? YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
Some of the first patients to smoke Canada's government-approved marijuana say it is "disgusting" and they want their money back..
(Thanks to Bernie)
• posted by Dave at 10:03 AM
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CALL FOR PIZZA
Woman's remains kept in freezer for years.
• posted by Dave at 12:10 AM
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Monday, September 15, 2003
WORD TO YOUR BRITISH POLITICS
Tony Benn is down with it.
• posted by Dave at 11:46 PM
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
ONE-STEP CLOSER TO MRS. J.LO JAKIELO!
It's Over!
"Affleck wanted the split, a source told People."
To read the whole story on their breakup, click here.
Maybe Ben read my column this week? If you haven't read it yet, click here.
• posted by Dave at 2:51 PM
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Friday, September 12, 2003
BIG JOURNALISM SECRET, REVEALED!!
Horoscopes are not...REAL!
For example in this week's Duquesne Duke I wrote the following horoscope:
Aries: March 21-April 19
Try introducing yourself to people on Academic Walk this week instead of being creepy and just staring. If conversation is initiated you have conquered half the battle. If they run away screaming, put your shirt back on.
• posted by Dave at 7:32 PM
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MEETING THE REAL DEAL
Today I went to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and interviewed an actual humor columnist, Peter Leo. He is like me except that he is very funny and gets paid to write.
To read his work, click here.
• posted by Dave at 5:56 PM
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BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
It has taken members of my fraternity 26 years to graduate but for much different reasons.
• posted by Dave at 12:45 AM
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Thursday, September 11, 2003
ANOTHER NOTE ABOUT THE STEELERS GAME
When I went last weekend, the friend I took needed to buy a Steelers shirt. When someone offered to sell him one for $5, he noticed one of the shirts had blood stains on it. After intense negotiations, he bought the shirt with blood on it for $3.
This is an important story because it shows that I need new friends.
• posted by Dave at 10:21 AM
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9/11
CNN and AP.
• posted by Dave at 10:17 AM
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
RANDOM ACADEMIC WALK DIALOGUE OVERHEARD TODAY
Girl: Hi.
Guy: I have your bra.
• posted by Dave at 4:39 PM
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Tuesday, September 09, 2003
THE ANIMALS ARE TAKING OVER
Monkey's and Kangeroo's. Can we really continue to trust the animal kingdom?
• posted by Dave at 5:36 PM
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Monday, September 08, 2003
HUNGRY?
I think it would be in the best interest of America (and oysters for that matter) to become friends with Norwegian men.
• posted by Dave at 7:14 PM
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BEWARE OF HUMMERS!
Yesterday while walking into the Pittsburgh Steelers game, this huge hummer was backing up in the parking lot. This is a great automobile to drive, in the event that a war would have broken out in the parking lot. Instead, the only destruction the car did was back up directly into a table covered with booze and food, ruining a tailgators afternoon. Everyone could see the moment coming a mile away, except the driver. The driver was possibly trying to show off how he is very manly.
He isn't manly, however, he could pass for being a player on the Baltimore Ravens, whom the Steelers defeated yesterday.
• posted by Dave at 7:12 PM
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TELL US SOMETHING WE DIDN'T KNOW
Spam or Toilet?
• posted by Dave at 7:04 PM
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Friday, September 05, 2003
ANSWER TO THIS WEEK'S COLUMN
If you read my column this week, you'll know it was about tuition and you'll be surprised to learn it hasn't won me a Pulitzer Prize yet.
Raking in the top 10 of colleges with the hottest girls and with hot humor columnists walking around campus, this news story could easily solve all of Duquesne's tuition problems.
• posted by Dave at 12:49 PM
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SUMMER JOB ENDS
If I had to sum up working at a Country Club this summer in one picture, I'd have to choose this one:
(Thanks Lou)
• posted by Dave at 1:27 AM
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003
THE INDIAN MILKMAN SHOULD HAVE SPENT HIS TIME ON THIS
If you ever feel like you're wasting your time on earth, be glad you didn't spend 7 years creating milk with bubbles.
• posted by Dave at 6:59 PM
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ANOTHER REASON NOT TO TRUST INDIAN MILKMEN
They might have faked being a cop for 10 years.
I like him though because not only did he do this, but he also promoted himself.
• posted by Dave at 6:56 PM
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Monday, September 01, 2003
LABOR DAY
Today is Labor Day, which I will celebrate by having to work from 11-8. When I think of Labor Day I always think of the Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon. It is always a very interesting show. Many people from all over donate money to a very worthy cause. It is also entertaining to watch because of the bad entertainment and Jerry Lewis.
A couple years ago I was informed that Lewis gets paid to host the telethon. Apparently his time is not donated. I found this very hard to believe but ever since I learned of this, Lewis has gained a considerable amount of weight each year. Maybe it's karma. Anyway, if you want to make a donation visit the MDA website by clicking here.
• posted by Dave at 2:45 AM
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BREAKING NEWS THAT WILL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS
If life is getting you down and you're fairly sure the only answer is drugs, hold that needle!
Saved by The Bell Seasons 1 & 2 are being released on DVD this Tuesday. You can buy the DVD online at Amazon.com (people at Amazon can feel free to send me money since I advertised their website). If you go there you'll see this review, which I'm reprinting exactly as shown on the website:
da best show of the early 90s, August 12, 2003
Reviewer: Jesus Marrufo from Queens, New York
ive been watching saved by the bell for a long time now and ive seen every episode at least twice.Saved by the bell is about 6 high school friends.zack morris is the more daring 1502 sat scorer fluker in math.ac slater is the jockey.jesse is the more caring determined type kellys the more popular type.schreech is the geeky type.and lisa is the fashion type.
This is the worst review I have ever read on any topic. However, Jesus means well and after he purchases or steals this DVD he'll be sure to watch every episode more than "at least twice."
• posted by Dave at 2:34 AM
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