Tuesday, April 27, 2004

NOTE: AVOID MEXICAN PRISONS

I thought the phrase "the inmates are running the asylum" was merely a figure of speech. I was wrong.

• posted by Dave at 2:18 AM
•

NOOOOOOO!

Anything, but THAT.

• posted by Dave at 2:20 PM
•

POLL RESULT

Best pet

1. Dog - 53%
2. Goldfish - 12%
3. Ant Farm - 0%
4. Hermit Crab - 18%
5. Sea Monkeys - 18%
6. A fur jacket - 0%
7. Lassie - 0%

This poll reflects the April 1, 2004 column Not Dave's best friend.

• posted by Dave at 1:41 PM
•

ELECTION NEWS

But, come election time, will voters be too fat to fit inside the booth?

• posted by Dave at 8:05 PM
•

GROSS!

Finally, something is being done about public displays of affection.

• posted by Dave at 8:01 PM
•

NEEDING A NEW HOBBY

Any news story is great when it contains the line, "Jones joined a traveling circus a few months after..."

• posted by Dave at 2:19 AM
•

EASTER MASS NOTICE

If you're like the family next to me today that didn't know when you're supposed to kneel and then you CUT in the communion line and immediately leave...please come to church more than one day a year.

Furthermore, if you wear a big hat or bring a baby the cries the entire mass, please watch Sunday mass on TV.

Amen.

• posted by Dave at 3:12 PM
•

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT

• posted by Dave at 5:05 PM
•

PANDAS NEED LOVIN'

But they need to lose weight first.

• posted by Dave at 11:15 PM
•

HERE COMES THE DUIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.....

Getting a lifelong committment started off on the foot.

• posted by Dave at 11:10 PM
•

DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY'S DANCE MARATHON

I'll be co-hosting the Dance Marathon this Saturday night. If you're looking for something to do and want to see a performance of the Saved By The Bell 3-Act Play I wrote, while I'm wearing a blue tuxedo, click here.

• posted by Dave at 1:58 PM
•

A BRIEF HISTORY OF INVENTIONS

3200-3500 B.C.: Wheel
1500s: Toilet
1876: Telephone
Around 1900: Automobile
1973: Internet
2004: Vibrating condom and an anti-haemorrhoid chair

Clearly we have reached another "Glory Period" for inventions.

• posted by Dave at 1:56 PM
•

APRIL FOOL'S DAY REVIEW

Ha ha!

• posted by Dave at 1:48 PM
•

POLL RESULT

What was your favorite column of the Fall 2003 semester?

1. Before reality, there is the first week of school (Aug. 28) - 21%
2. Jurassic Duquesne (Sept. 25) - 4%
3. O' Canada! We play our harmonicas to thee (Oct. 2) - 17%
4. Making the magic happen (Oct. 9) - 4%
5. A trip down memory lane with Mr. Martini (Oct. 30) - 25%
6. The caucuses are coming (Nov. 6) - 0%
7. Put your cell phone on silent (Nov. 13) - 4%
8. A touching holiday season with no one to touch (Nov. 20) - 8%
9. Read this since studying is overrated (Dec. 11) - 8%
10. Other - 8%

Visit the Archive section of the Web site to read these past columns.

• posted by Dave at 1:28 PM
•

FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T READ THE MAIN PAGE
(AND #3 ISN'T EVEN AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE!)

Three important news items:

1. I'm happy to announce the addition of Ryan Maloney to the Web site. Ryan will be making cartoons that will compliment my columns. If you are a female that likes guys who play college football and can make hilarious cartoons, you'll want to e-mail him. All other girls can e-mail me.



2. The Weblog is now interactive. You can comment on each post that I write. Check it out by clicking on my picture to the right or by selcting "Blog" on the menu.



3. Last weekend I learned that I placed second in overall column writing for the Society of Professional Journalists Mark of Excellence awards (first place went to Amy DiFiore, my editor and third place went to a writer who was recently quoted in USA Today). The columns reviewed by the judges were: Hell on wheels, A trip down memory lane with Mr. Martini and The caucuses are coming. Overall, the Duquesne Duke won six awards. The competition included schools such as: Michigan State, Ohio State, and West Virginia University. Thank you to everyone who has supported my column over the past three years.

• posted by Dave at 2:52 AM
•

BAD NEWS FROM W. AXL ROSE

As a big Guns N' Roses fan who has been living off bootleg concert videos and CDs for far too long, there is more bad news.

• posted by Dave at 1:15 AM
•

IT CAN'T BE SEXUAL HARASSMENT...

When you are the 16-time World's Heavyweight Champion of the World, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Even if it involves Flair wearing a "Nature Boy" jeweled robe, flashing his penis and forcing a flight attendant to touch his crotch.

To be the man, you've got to beat the man.

• posted by Dave at 1:09 AM
•