Thursday, September 23, 2004

WHAT'S GOING ON

I've been busy lately which explains the lack of posts. Last weekend, I went to the Jerry Seinfeld show in Pittsburgh (he used to have a TV show or something). It was a really great show and if you ever get the chance to check him out, do so. The show was the same night Pittsburgh had the most one-day rainfall in its history. That day reminded me that I need to buy an umbrella.

Tonight I went to the Metallica concert and got into an argument with three ladies within the span of 2-3 minutes. A new record! While standing at the bar, a lady told the bartender that I asked her to buy me two beers. I explained how I was alone and was going to get my own beer. The lady started screaming at me. Then another lady ordered two drinks and told the bartender that I was going to pay for the one. I asked the lady what she was talking about, she yelled, and then paid for both drinks. I asked everyone around me if they noticed that two random girls just yelled at me for no reason and asked if this was worthy of getting free beer. Then the bartender, very seriously asked if the first girl was my wife and she said, "if she is, I feel bad for you, you're going to have a horrible life," as I was yelling "SHE'S NOT MY WIFE - I'M SINGLE!" As I yelled this, surprisingly, no girl stopped to ask me if, since I'm single, would want to date her.

In a few hours I leave for a weekend trip to Las Vegas or "Sin city." Vegas will be a fun place because whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...unless it's funny, in which cause I'll write next week's humor column on the trip.

• posted by Dave at 2:30 AM
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NEW PLAN

Enough of this spending my time writing a humor column. From now on, I'm writing to Oprah.

• posted by Dave at 9:07 PM
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DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE

This can't be good.

• posted by Dave at 10:41 AM
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GUN SAFETY RULE #1

Never hire an instructor.

• posted by Dave at 2:14 AM
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I WANT TO BREAK GRAVITY'S NECK

Today, walking to class I tripped over a rock and fell on the ground. It was really embarrasing. Apparently this really happens to people. I've only seen it in cartoons such as The Flinstones.

I'm going to go jump off of a bridge now.

Goodbye.

• posted by Dave at 4:40 PM
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DISCUSSION QUESTION

Why is it that some people feel the need to videotape and/or take pictures of everything. I notice this all the time on vacations particularly. ("And this is footage of the 2nd bathroom bathroom stall next to the Dumbo Ride at Disney World.")

Last week, when I attended the Pittsburgh Steelers game with my Dad, a man sat in front of us that took pictures the entire game. The thing was, he mostly took pictures of Steelers in the huddle, pictures that all looked exactly the same.

At one point, it looked like the Steelers were definitely going to score a touchdown right where our seats were at in the endzone and he turned around to take a picture of the crowd. While he was doing this they scored the touchdown and he missed it.

• posted by Dave at 4:34 PM
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PDA

Recently I noticed an older, well-dressed couple parking in front of my apartment. "How nice," I thought.

Later on in the day, I looked out of my window and noticed that they were back at the car -- making out!

It was awesome! I'm joking, but this seriously took public displays of affection to a whole new level, to the point where guilty parties should be sentenced nothing less than the death penalty.

• posted by Dave at 4:29 PM
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TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

Introducing The Lifetime Guarantee.

• posted by Dave at 3:26 AM
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